Today my brother, whom is a recluse, living in a trailer, raising chickens and canning peaches showed up at my mom's unexpectedly. I have not seen him in at least 5 or 6 years, as he has no phone or internet. When he walked in, hobbling, his leg in a brace, his body twisted from accidents and intense heavy work he beamed a smile at me broad enough to lasso wild horses. My heart tumbled around with joy, he is a big man, and when he puts his arms around me I am not the older sister, but somehow the little girl, and he is my protector, my brother!
This random miracle set off a day of kindness.
I drove my mom through the back roads of where she was born, we talked more deeply then ever before about everything from the mistakes we had made as mothers to God and how we both love God, in our own different ways. I bought her cheese cake (her favourite) and chocolate milk, she was happy, just to drive and eat her sugar treats and talk with me.
I kept sneaking glances at her profile, this woman who I had adored with such pure love when I was little, here I was a middle aged woman adoring her all over again. How blessed it that?
We parted with her hercules style hug, her physically shaking with emotion: I love you sweetie, she whispers several times in my ear, and I drink it in and cry quietly simply because it is true, she loves me, deeply and fiercely and I need that so much. That strong, unwavering love of my mom, it helps me be a kinder and braver woman, and this I want more then anything else.
Then I have tea with a woman I have known for a very long time, her and I cry because we are such good friends and miss each other, she gives me a turquoise necklace she has made, she puts it around my neck and holds me, and we tell one another we love each other, with tears in our blue eyes. I hold her as if it could be the last time. One of my trusted teachers told me that everything we do, do with the awareness that it may be that last time we are gifted with that experience. Touch everyone you love, like or do not even know as if you may never touch them again. How will you move your hand into their body, touch their hair, smell the sweetness of their skin?
I am learning, I am actually learning that I am here for one purpose, loving, opening to whatever God puts in front of me...and walking into it, even if I am totally afraid.
I end the afternoon by having tea with another friend of mine in the sunlight. He is on "meds" after a long bout of incarceration in the mental health system. I notice his hands shake, he has aged, the twinkle in his eye is muted. Yet he can still laugh, and engage. Our kids were little together, we farmed together and hiked and swam. Now he lives alone on a hillside in a huge house, made for a family. He lives is isolation. He is sad but the medication keeps the tears at bay.
When we hug goodbye, I feel a emptiness, I let him go, he has a life to live out. I do not know what is best for him. I can only love him and let him go.
I walk up the street, the sun is streaming all around me, I walk up a hill I used to be pushed up when I was a child in a stroller. I walk past the house I was a new born in...
I am born all over again, not a infant, but perhaps a woman of substance that can make her way home.
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